The Pro’s

Now, people pleasing has its advantages. It is easier to make friends. I mean, who doesn’t want to be friends with someone who will do anything you ask when you need it? It can give you respect among your peers. Being the ‘go to’ person in the group can give you a sense of pride, status and importance.

The Con’s

However, have you heard the phrase “if you try and please everyone, you will please no one”? By saying yes to everyone, it can be a common place where you are trying to spin too many plates. You are saying yes to so many people wanting so much from you, you end up depleting your time and energy and you end up not giving your best to anyone. This can cause stress, frustration, anxiety and pressure. And the crazy thing, all of this is for someone else! 

Why do we struggle to say No?

I am sure you have said yes to someones request, even though you really didn’t want to. 

“Can you lend me a significant amount of money, even though you're not in a position to comfortably do so?"

"Would you mind working late tonight to help with this project, even though it means sacrificing your personal time?"

"Will you organise this event for me, even though it's a considerable time commitment and you have other pressing responsibilities?"

Why would we say yes to any of these questions when they all result in a net loss for us? We are, as humans, innate social creatures, who long for people to like us. We desire connection and acceptance from others around us. We like to seek external validation. 

Many of us will also do most things possible to avoid confrontation. Many of us are afraid of conflict. We don’t like others to be angry with us or critical of us. We will therefore say yes to requests we may not wish to do, just so the other person doesn’t get angry with us, whether that someone is an a significant other, a colleague or friend, or your boss. Many of us also try to avoid battles with our children, because we feel that if we say “no” to them, they will stop loving us.

As children, we are taught to do as we are told, to adhere to authority. The fear of punishment is enough to usually keep us on this path, and for doing so, we expect to be loved and we carry this into adulthood.

We also desire to fit in. Whether it be in a family environment, a group of friends at school, at work, a sports team. Whatever age we are, we want to belong, feel accepted and liked. 

In addition, we don’t want to hurt or disappoint others. You may agree to go to a party that you don’t want to go to, just so the person who invited you isn’t hurt by your rejection of saying no. 

Saying No

Although it is sometimes hard, saying no can have a profound effect on your life. The party you were invited to that you went to, even though you had to get work finished for tomorrow morning has made you feel stressed, anxious and nervous because you haven’t got it finished. You have a horrid night sleep because you are worrying and panicking about what your boss is going to think of you. All because you didn’t want to upset a friend. Now let’s talk about no. You are asked to a party, but because you have work to get done you decline the invitation. Your friend, asks why and you tell them. They understand, put the phone down and because they have a night of fun and partying ahead of them, have likely to have instantly stop thinking about the rejection they just suffered. They are still your friend. So you are able to spend your evening getting the necessary work complete. You finish your work, enjoy a hot bath to celebrate, get to bed early, have a great night sleep and wake up the next morning ready to have an amazing day because you are prepared, well rested and all because you said no. 

Saying no, however, is not just about declining requests. It is about setting boundaries, honouring our values and prioritising self care. It is only by giving ourself the priority that we can learn, nurture and grow. Our time and energy, when spent on ourselves can have aa huge compound effect. It also shows a mutual respect between our connections with others. 

When to say no

It can sometimes be difficult to know when to say no. As we are so used to saying yes all the time, saying no can feel alien, selfish and disconnecting. Use this tip to know when to say no and when to say yes to something. When asked, if you do not feel the urge to immediately say yes, say no. If you have to think whether you want to do what is being asked, then it does not mean enough for you to do it, so politely decline. Also, it doesn’t have to be a no forever. If someone wants you to go out but you have plans, say no, but you can rearrange a time that works for both of you. Only say yes if you immediately want to do it. 

To conclude, saying no can make a huge difference to your life, reducing stress, anxiety, worry and giving you back time and energy. Learn to say no when you do not immediately want to say yes. Say no, but not forever. Make future arrangements where possible that works for everyone.